EIGHT HUNDRED.

right. i have an amazing start to the amazing day. my alarm clock hasn't even rang. and my mother woke me up. cause she though i was late for school. i just felt like sleeping in. 45 mins longer than the usual time.
school was fine until school started? i guess so. not feeling all that fabulous since yesterday. during evening mass. so much going through my head. but class was starting to get horrible when the groups were assigned. there is so much to do. So much of conflict. in the group.

conflict not only in class but in my head just now. too many things in my head. i couldn't sleep. even if i sleep. i don't want to wake up. there are two people out there making my head really heavy.

maybe there will come a time for me to be alright.
maybe i'll just stop crying myself to sleep at night.
maybe we both know i should get over this.
maybe theres just too many memories that i can't dismiss.
maybe its time to depend on myself.
but we both know that i have no one else.
i was fighting the temptation to take the overdose.
and finally let nature take its course.
its wrong i know.
but i question to you is; so?
cause you will tell me that its not fair?
would you even care?
don't even start to try and deceive.
cause i know i'm stupid and i'll start to believe.
so what is a little medication
to help stop the fustration?
i cannot cry.
because my tears have run dry.
i try to do my best for you.
but you ignore them like you always do.
i'm scared to go to bed.
because there is just too much of you in my head.
i'm sorry how this has ended up to be.
and i don't want you to shed any tears for me.
tell her i'm sorry.
that i couldn't be the kind of lover she wanted me to be.

maybe i know a little of why she did what she did. she wrote this poem and gave it to me. speechless. shocked. at how she was lying to not only clarie but herself as well. maybe thats why she headed down that dark and lonely path. but i couldn't love her like she did. and maybe thats why clarie is so angsty these days. saying things she said. and hurting other people with her words. hurting me with her words. belittling people.
i'm sorry if i made you feel this way. i didn't mean to. i'm sick of us not talking. i know you know about this. for a long time already. you knew she wrote this and you read it before you passed it to me. i'm sorry. i really am. i thought she loves you. but we all know. that i cannot love her like that. it was so long ago when that relationship ended.

i'm confused. really confused. why ask for something like this? i'm giving in. cause i'm too weak to resist. you know i can't resist.

if you havent realised. its 800 days to your 18th birthday.